An Open Letter To My Chronic Pain

By Diana Smith

Dear Chronic Pain,

Our relationship began during the summer before Grade 12.

I was too ashamed to describe to my family doctor the discomfort you were causing me, so I went to a youth clinic. 

Upon inspection, they assured me you would go away with some medicinal cream. 

You didn't go away. In fact, you got worse. So much worse, that I finally had to confess to my family doctor what you were doing to me. 

When I told her, my doctor didn’t respond in the way I thought she would. Her response was callous. Cold. She belittled me. She made me feel crazy for experiencing you. I took that as a blueprint for how I should expect telling anyone to react when I tell them about you. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

I tried to live with you, I really did. But not having a name for you, with the constant cacophony of your endless suffering on my mind, caused a dark cloud to grow over me. 

Because of you, I ended romances and cut off relationships. What you were making me experience mortified me, and I couldn't bear to describe to anyone, not even my closest friends, what you were doing to me. 

Because of you, I created a shell. A hard husk around me. To protect myself. 

I convinced myself that I would never be loved, and never experience intimacy, or even daily comfort for that matter. I convinced myself that every day before I died you would be there, holding me back. 

I remember when I tried to open up about you to someone I cared about — “So it’s all in your head?” Their response will forever be etched in my memory.

Dear Chronic Pain,

You put me in a strange limbo of sorts. I wanted to be dead, but didn’t want to die. I never considered killing myself, nor did I ever consider how I would do it. I just thought about what it would be like to be dead, and to not be suffering, and that brought me a morbid sense of comfort.

Dear Chronic Pain,

Trying to fight you off was hard. The people that were supposed to help me battle you, refused to take sides. They were failing me, and I was losing. I had no weapons to defend myself, only my sheer will to survive. You were winning.

Eventually, my doctor tossed me a shield and sword, and for the first time I felt hope. 

Finally we had a diagnosis: vulvodynia.

Initially, the low dosages of medication didn’t seem to do much. But ever so painstakingly, my dosages increased, and, so did my confidence that we were finding a cure. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

I remember the first time I realized I went through a whole day without thinking about you. I was getting ready for bed, when I became suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that you were no longer in the forefront of my mind. 

I remember telling my doctor this. She didn’t really seem to care, but I did. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

You and I were all right for a while. You detached yourself from me, and crept into the shadows. I began to accept your dull omnipresence, as a long distance-relationship of sorts. I almost forgot you were there, to be honest. Life was a celebration again. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

I thought I knew you in one form. One kind of misery, one set fate, but I was wrong. Right when I thought I was able to move on, you shape-shifted into a new monster: interstitial cystitis.

Suddenly my life was chaos again. New tears, new anxieties, new specialists, new medications. I felt like a burden: to my partner, to my friends, and to my family. You told me once more that I was unlovable, and I believed you. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

How dare you? 

How dare you insert yourself back into my life? Why must my body fail me, again? 

You made me feel alone again. You made me lose all the ground that I won with the first battle. Suddenly my shield and sword were worthless, and I was left with nothing.

Dear Chronic Pain,

You came in waves. Some days, I felt liberated from your menacing grip. Other days, you crippled me, chaining me to my bed. Some episodes lasted hours, while others lasted weeks. I never knew when you would strike, and I felt that you reveled in your unpredictability. The prospect of attending school or going to work suddenly became a game of Russian roulette, where you would always be the winner, and the barrel was always pointed towards me.

Dear Chronic Pain,

When I met my new doctor, I knew you were in trouble. He listened to me, believed me, and we devised a plan to try and take you down. It felt like a new dawn in my life: an era without belittlement or judgment.  

I was terrified to admit to myself that I felt hope again. I was terrified that it would be stripped from me again, and that you would find a new way to hurt me. So I kept my guard up, but pushed forward. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

You attacked the most vulnerable parts of me. You took everything I felt I had. And yet, I persevered. 

Slowly our battle turned into a dance. I started to watch you, and studied your movements. I began to predict your next move, and strike before you could. I discovered what you loved, and what you hated. My predictions grew more accurate, and my senses sharpened. I became an expert, able to detect the slightest shift in my body. As much as I resisted, you and I became one. I realized lighting you on fire was also setting myself aflame. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

I am still trying to unlearn the trauma that you gave me. I still feel guilt. I still feel like a burden at times. I’m constantly reworking the makeup of my mind to dispel all the lies that you told me. 

You will always be in my life — that I have come to accept. You have no foreseeable cure. But with time, you have faded, and I have learned to work with you. It scares me that I may never know true comfort, and that I may never be in this body without you. But now I know I am not alone, and now I know that I will still experience life’s joys with you there. 

Dear Chronic Pain,

Thanks to you, my relationships have grown stronger. 

Thanks to you, I have learned to take charge of my health, both mental and physical. I’ve learned how to take charge of my life. 

Thanks to you, I have learned what true, unwavering love and support is. 

And lastly, thanks to you, I have grown stronger than I ever thought was possible. 

My Tattoo Cover-Up Story

        I think it's time I came out with my tattoo cover-up story, that I have been (no pun intended) vaguely trying to cover-up. I've decided to stop being ashamed by it, and instead turn it into a lesson for myself, and a cautionary tale for others. 

        Now, for some disclaimers before we get into this. One, this is not some sort of attempt at getting anyone "cancelled" or "dragging." The artist and I did not communicate effectively, which led to misunderstandings. I will not be saying who the artist was, or be showing any of their work (other than my own tattoo). I do believe that the artist had the best of intentions; however, there were some red flags that I should have paid attention to that would have notified me that we were not the best match. I say match because I genuinely believe a good tattoo artist/customer relationship is fundamental for a successful piece. I will go into the red flags in a bit. For now, let's get on with the background story. 

        So, the beginning. 

        I found this tattoo artist on Instagram, by searching local artist hashtags. I scrolled through their feed and really liked their work, with a fairly new professional Instagram account. I didn't take that as a bad thing (which, for some, is arguably red flag numero uno).

        The artist posted a few "flash" pieces for a bargain price. Flash, for those who do not know, are pieces that tattoo artists make, that are generally smaller and simpler, that they sell en-masse to several customers, for a cheaper price because they are pre-designed and can be pumped out faster. I really liked this artist's flash snake designs, and they were on sell for only $90 (which is cheap in tattoo world). I had honestly been wanting a snake tattoo for a while, and saw this as my chance to get one at a low cost (again, another red flag). The designs were minimalist, mainly line-work, with simple clean lines and no shading. Below, I found pieces similar to the flash examples they had posted (but none of these, of course, are the artist).

        I really liked them, and for such a good price I decided to DM the artist and book an appointment. 

        The day came and I was stoked. I decided that I wanted the snake to look like it was slithering up my arm along the outer side. When I got there, we did the typical chat of them showing me the flash sketch, sizing it to my taste, and then placing it on my arm. In this moment, I did not realize that I needed to specify that I wanted exactly what the flash piece looked like, and no changes whatsoever. I, however, had thought that this was all assumed and redundant to mention. There was no further discussion of the appearance of the snake.

        Once I had lay down and we began tattooing the snake, we of course had a conversation. We talked about many things, and I asked how they got into tattooing. They told me that they were self taught, and had bought their equipment online, and that their first "client" was their brother in their bedroom. They became more confident in their skills, and applied for a position at this tattoo shop, and got the job. They never went to school or went through an apprenticeship program. Some may disagree with me in saying that this part is a red flag, and although I do agree that we should not assume someone's skill level based off the possibility that they may have, perhaps, been unable access or afford a "proper" education, I do not believe that this fact is irrelevant to my story. 

        During this conversation, there were other things that I also should have seen as red flags. For example, they suggested that the tattoo artist that did my flower tattoo (whom I will talk about later) had ripped me off for the price that I paid for it, even though it was a commissioned and intricate piece. I also began to get a grasp of their experience level, as they told me that they had bought the equipment and began tattooing only a year ago. Again, red flag for me personally. I know that some might think it is narrow-minded of me to want exclusively well experienced tattoo artists, but I quite frankly believe that when it is something that is going to be on your body for the rest of your life, you have the right to be picky and exclusive. And not noticing ahead of time was my mistake entirely, and hindsight is 20/20, as I had noticed that their Instagram was pretty new, and therefore indicative of how long they had been working on folks, but I failed to make that connection. 

        I should mention that throughout this entire tattoo, on the back of my arm, I was lying face down on the table. I did not have a mirror up, nor was I checking in on the tattoo throughout the process. It was completely out of my vision. Again, mistake on my part.

        When the tattoo was done, my skin was of course red, inflamed, and unhappy. The tattoo looked pretty good, and I was just excited to have it; however, looking at it was causing anxiety in the back of my mind, and I couldn't help but feel something was off. I tried my best to ignore it, but by the time the next day came around, I realized that it was different from what I wanted. I didn't like it. After staring at it in the mirror for some time, it dawned on me - it was shaded! Shaded throughout the entire snake, except the head oddly enough. This was completely different from the flash piece, the reference, and the stencil. Those pieces had absolutely no shading, and we never discussed shading. I was confused, and honestly panicking. This was something I had permanently put - on my body! Forever! Shit!

        After unleashing this whirlwind of emotion onto my boyfriend, he suggested I DM the artist on Instagram. I finally did, and when they replied, their answer confused me. They told me not to worry, and that with the second skin on, the ink is leaking and moving around, looking smudged, and that it was normal for the ink to do that, and that they promise that once I take the wrapping off it would look like the references. Even though I had had a tattoo before and knew the process and knew what tattoos look like with the second skin on and the ink leaking, I tried to believe them. 

        Finally, the moment of truth. I took the second skin wrapping off every so slowly in the shower, and: 

        Boom. Shading... everywhere. My heart was sinking. I knew in this moment something was very wrong. I DM'd them again, and they tried to tell me that the ink will fade and not be so noticeable over time, and that they thought they had gone over with me that they were shading it, which I unfortunately do not recall. They felt terrible, and offered me a free tattoo to make up for me being unhappy with my first one. I did not take them up on this offer but appreciated them trying to make up for what had happened.

        Days pass, eventually turning into weeks, and the reality was setting in. It was during this time, once it had healed, that I was noticing inconsistencies in the tattoos, and things I did not like.

        For one, there were patches in the line-work and the shading that did not impress me. I found that many lines wavered in thickness, and that patches in the scales were present throughout the snake. The head size vs. the body's width ration was also something that bothered me, but again that very well could have been my mistake and not seeing it when it was on paper. I thought it kind of looked like a tadpole. As well, with the snake being all shaded, the blank head (which looked fine when the piece was just lines with no shading) looked odd and out of place. The poor guy was definitely in need of some help. 

        I understand that patches and line thickness inconsistencies can be caused by things outside of the tattoo artist's control i.e. the tattoo not healing properly, the client taking off the wrapping incorrectly, and even the thickness of the client's skin. However, after discussing the appearance with the tattoo artist that eventually fixed it, she came to the conclusion that the piece was done by someone without enough experience, placed on a difficult part of the arm with varying thickness of skin and bone/muscle. Essentially, it was just a bit too advanced. 

        So, what was I to do? I didn't really know, to be frank. I googled the costs of laser removal, but that was too expensive for me. Additionally, I didn't hate the placement of the tattoo or what it was meant to be, I just wasn't fond of the execution. I still wanted my damn snake tattoo!

        Feeling lost, I DM'd the lovely tattoo artist Mackenzie Evanjeline, also known as indigo_evolution on Instagram. She was the artist that had done my other floral piece, which I love dearly. I asked her if she had any artists, that she trusted, that are skilled in cover-ups and tattoo fixes. I said this assuming her schedule for the next several months was packed (which it is). To my surprise, she replied asking me to send her pictures of it, and to describe what I wanted fixed. The laundry list of things about the tattoo I wanted to change included:

• The inconsistent lines
• The patchy and uneven shading 
• Wanting to add shading to the edges and along the curled sides to add dimension
• Putting detail in the face
• Is the nose properly shaped? Looks kind of like a sperm
• Add some belly? Add width?
• Flower? To make it nicer

        To my even greater surprise, Mackenzie offered to do my cover-up! And on top of that, instead of putting me at the back of the waiting list, she took pity on my and offered to squeeze me in one evening, literally a week away. This to me was an absolute blessing, as I hated having to walk around with this deadass sperm on my arm. I couldn't have been more thrilled!

        When the day came and I arrived, Mackenzie and I discussed my laundry list, and ways in which we could execute/fix them. She began drawing on my arm: we decided to change the shape of the snake head and make it more biologically accurate, we added a belly to the snake in order to create width and make it look more proportional, we added markings on the head to make it look less plain, we added shading to make the snake look more 3 Dimensional and to fix the patchiness, we agreed that the outlines needed to be gone over again to make them more consistent, and finally Mackenzie hand-drew little peonies around it to make it special again for me. 

        Mackenzie went hard at work on this little guy, reshaping him into the snake he deserved to be.

        When it was finally done and her and I looked at him thoughtfully in a few mirrors, until we both agreed that he was done! I honestly could not have been happier with the end result; what started out as a major source of anxiety and shame, turned into a beautiful piece that I am beyond happy with. I am so incredibly thankful of Mackenzie and her kindness, fitting me into an evening when she didn't have to. She is truly a phenomenal artist, and a kind soul, who I would recommend to anyone in the Lower Mainland looking for a tattoo similar to her style. If you want her, book her now! Her books fill quickly.

        And the best thing? The tattoo looked perfect when I removed the wrapping, and looks even better now fully healed.

        So, what did we learn?

        Firstly, trust your gut. If something feels off, or different, trust yourself and speak your mind. Second, set your ego aside and accept when you have made a mistake. Especially with something like a tattoo, ignoring it will not make it go away. Face the issue head-on, and come up with a game plan to fix it. Lastly, COMMUNICATE. I cannot emphasize this enough. Even if something seems too obvious, or too small of a detail, tell the tattoo artist absolutely everything you want. The style, line width, the shading, and even the shading style. Trust me when I say - you will regret assuming that you and the artist on the same page! 

        Thank you for taking the time to read my story! I hope sharing my story will educate and guide those who need it. 

Share this with someone you know getting a tattoo!

Oh Brad! Oh Janet!

        Outfit #2 from my NYC Thrifted Haul featuring this vintage graphic t from a thrift store in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Can't say I'm not excited to go to the Rio's annual Halloween showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show in this find with maybe some fishnets. 

Graphic T: Vintage

Wind Breaker: Nike

Biker Shorts: Garage

Sneakers: Vans

Time Capsule

        On June 14th I officially graduated from University, and as a gift and a way to celebrate, my mom and I went on a trip to New York City. We had an amazing time, stuffed ourselves with incredible food, and did some serious second hand shopping. The first time I went to NYC I thrifted my heart away, and this trip I made sure to do the same. Did I bring an empty suitcase in order to ensure I would be able to bring home all my new purchases? Absolutely. 

        This outfit is featuring two new pieces I found, this graphic t and sunglasses, both from the second hand store Crossroads Trading on W 26th Street. I cannot find the brand of this t-shirt, because the tag is just Next Level which is a custom apparel brand so not much help there. But I love this graphic design, it reminds me of a badass tattoo that I would probably get. These micro sunglasses were a last minute grab right before I hit the cashier and I have no regrets. Now I just need to actually buy some contact lens so I can wear them without being blind. But alas.

T-Shirt: Thrifted

Jeans: Lees Jeans

Sneakers: Vans Old Skools

Belt: Topshop

Sunglasses: Thrifted

Stopping Traffic

        The finale of our shoot: going to quite literally the middle of the road for a shot. Anything to get "the" shot, right? Anyway, adrenaline rush aside, it was absolutely worth it. 

        With my Urban Outfitters crop top, thrifted trousers, thrifted belt, Old Skool Vans, and Sadie & Sage denim jacket, we took on the streets. You can't see the fear in my eyes, can you?

        Oliva Chan was absolutely amazing to work with, and I am obsessed with the photos she took during this shoot. I can't wait to possibly work with her in the future. Don't forget to check out her work!